Alexithymia
by Sabathiel
Summary: They weren't always like this. Once upon a time, during Raijin days, he took an interest in her and she daresay she did him, as well. Izaya/Fem!Shizuo


**Disclaimer: I don't own Durarara!  
I have nothing to say except that I really do like Fem!Shizuo…  
Title is an Anberlin song by the same name.**

* * *

_The First Year_

* * *

Their eyes meet briefly during Raijin's entrance ceremony. He's already in the building, on the rooftop, overlooking all the new prominent students. She's at the gate, and probably waiting for somebody. She looks up, seeing him as this black blur of evil in the corner of her eye. When she realizes that he's staring back, she averts her gaze and thankfully, Shinra arrives at school. He frowns, wondering when Kishitani Shinra had made such a pretty friend.

Speaking of Shinra, he recalls that the scientist had mentioned some friend with super strength and a bad temper. They're all going to the same school now, so he wants to find and meet this friend. He's sure that the two of them could definitely have a lot of fun. When he mentions it to Shinra, the scientist looks surprised, but agrees nonetheless, and takes him to rooftop after school.

He sees the girl from the gate there surrounded by members of the soccer team. She doesn't look the least bit interested in any of them, and Shinra grins to himself and leans against the bleachers, watching her carefully. The captain of the soccer team is hitting on her, and she's looking elsewhere, not even listening. When he realizes she's not paying attention, he seizes her by the arm.

"Hands off," she snarls, pulling her arm away and stepping back, but the moron is stubborn and persistent and tries to grab her again. Apparently, it's the wrong move since she suddenly grabs him by the front of his jersey and swings him around with super human strength. The other team mates' mouths drop and one of them make the mistake of trying to jump her. She ends up picking up the goalie net and beating each and every one of them down with it, only stopping when she hears an applause.

"Shizuka-chan, this is Orihara Izaya," Shinra introduces. "He went to our middle school, you know. And, he's an asshole."

Izaya is rather surprised. When Shinra had told him about this friend with super human strength, he had been expecting a big, evil brute, not this cute teenage girl. He examines her carefully, still astounded by how inhuman she is. She is tall with long dark hair and a busty figure, much to his delight.

Seeing the way his eyes settles on her chest, Shizuka huffs and crosses her arms. "I don't like you," she tells him flatly.

Shinra stops rambling and looks at her in surprise. "That's too bad," Izaya says with a sigh. "I thought we could have some fun, _Shizu-chan_."

"Don't call me that, louse," she answers and lunges at him, attempting to break his face in. To her surprise, he is quick and easily dodges the blow, causing her to punch the bleachers out beneath him. She turns and he's a bit too close for her liking. There's a flash of silver, a brief shock of pain, and then he's already out of her reach, wielding a knife.

"Hentai!" she shrieks at him, realizing that he's cut open her blouse. He looks at her smugly, catching a brief glimpse of her voluptuous goods. She's never hated a guy so much before and she'd chase him down and beat him to a bloody pulp if it wasn't for her ruined blouse. In the end, she lets him go and heads on home after forcing Shinra to lend her his coat.

Apparently, they're in the same class.

Izaya's not exactly sure how she slipped past him during introductions on the first day, but now that he realizes that she's only a few seats away from him, Izaya could only think of the fun he and Shizuka-chan can have. She looks appalled after realizing that they're in the same class. He grins smugly at her and she huffs and storms past him to her seat.

Izaya wants to manipulate her. He wants to use her and find out what makes her tick. He wants to know her inside out so he makes it a point to annoy her. In doing so, Izaya notices the small things, like the way a muscle in her jaw jumps as she clenches her teeth when he looks at her or the way her knuckles whiten as her grip on her pencil tightens when he makes some suggestive gesture. The best by far is the way her eyebrow twitches before she snaps her pencil, stomps on it, and then tries to beat him with whatever heavy textbook is on her desk. One time, and he still gets giddy from this, Shizuka didn't have a textbook on her desk, and then she proceeded to try and beat him with the aforementioned desk. Their horrified teacher sent them both out to the rooftop for disrupting his lecture.

"You're always pissing me off," Shizuka tells him the moment they're on the roof. "What is your problem?"

Izaya laughs richly and smiles that smug grin. She wants to punch it off of him so bad. "You're just really entertaining. I never really expected a girl to be so violent."

"You think I _like_ being violent?" she demands, temper flaring. "I hate it. I _know_ that girls aren't supposed to be throwing desks at boys, and I _know_ that I should try and be more feminine. I've already been told this many times, so I don't need to hear it anymore, especially from you, you flea."

Izaya laughs harder at this. "Oh, Shizu-chan, being a violent girl isn't bad. It's different. I like it. Besides, I think you're already plenty feminine."

"Masochist," she says accusingly and storms away from him.

"Call me what you want. I don't care," he answers, unfazed by her words. He follows her and pins her against the chain link fence on the roof. "Ah, Shizu-chan, you have such pretty hair," he tells her as he boldly pulls a lock of her long dark hair towards him, curling it around his finger gently, teasingly. "Don't ever cut it, okay?" he asks sweetly and flirtingly.

"Don't touch me, flea!" she shouts at him, clearly appalled as she slaps his hand away. Her cheeks have flushed a charming shade of pink and she grabs her schoolbag and storms away before that damned louse could get another shot at sweet-talking her.

Next thing she knows, her anger has led her to the nearest hair salon and she's telling the stylist to lop it all off and dye what's left of it blonde. After that, she's returned home, tearfully telling Kasuka about her hair suicide. He looks at her condescendingly, reaches over to curl a lock around his index finger and tells her very reassuringly that she looks good as a blonde. His words give her the much-needed peace of mind.

When Izaya sees Shizuka the next day, he has to do a double-take. Those lovely long locks have been reduced to something a little shorter than shoulder length and blonde. He likes it. He approaches her and attempts to play with her hair again. "Love the new look," he tells her, knowing that he had successfully manipulated her. "I think it suits you much better than your old look." She lets out a low, animalistic growl and tries to break his bones with the school gate.

The rest of the year is pretty much the same teasings and violent outbursts. What was noteworthy was that on White's Day, somebody left a simple white hair ribbon on Shizuka's desk. It's simple, nothing special, and she stares at it blankly. She wonders what kind of idiot gives a girl a ribbon when her hair is far too short to tie up. She slips it into the side pocket of her bag and doesn't give it another thought. It is later, afterschool, when she's waiting for Shinra that Izaya approaches her and slyly remarks:

"I suppose you'll have to wait until your hair grows out."

Her mouth drops open in shock and he leaves, saying nothing more. Even so, she doesn't throw it away.

* * *

_The Second Year_

* * *

"Oh, how I long to take away even a small part of your suffering," Izaya tells Shizuka suavely as he takes her hand. It's only natural for the girls in their class to swoon.

"Please don't worry about me…" Shizuka answers stiffly. "Just being with you eases my… pain... My… Tch!" She shuts her mouth, hoping she can get away with not finishing the line. Izaya smirks knowingly and prods her to continue. "My… darling…" Her eyebrow twitches.

"How can you be so wonderful, my precious Freedert?" Izaya recites flawlessly. Shizuka can perfectly understand him getting cast as the male lead for this dumb school play Karisawa and Yumasaki suggested, but she hadn't expected Izaya to manipulate everybody in the class to vote for her as the female lead.

"Oh, Elliot," she mutters.

"Shizu-chan, you need to put more heart into this," Izaya tells her sweetly.

Her eyebrow twitches and she glares at him. "Shut up. You may have everybody else fooled, but you will never fool me," she says, ripping her hand out of his grasp. "I _know_ you manipulated everybody into voting for me."

"Oh please," he laughs. "Don't flatter me. You won quite fairly. I just got lucky to have you as my princess." He takes her hand again and kisses the back of it.

Shizuka throws him off the stage and storms off, looking for disinfectant. Needless to say, the production is a disaster, and Karisawa takes over as Freedert. Izaya loses interest quickly after that and Yumasaki replaces him as Elliot shortly after.

"It's a shame you quit," he tells her as he follows her home with Shinra one day. "I really liked the story, too."

She stops and laughs at this. "Since when did you like fairytales of princes saving their princesses?"

"It's not that. I like the way war has torn them apart and how they're both so quick to sacrifice themselves. It's just one of the reasons of why I love humans so much," he says gleefully. "Though, does Shizu-chan want me to be her knight in shining armor?"

Shizuka scoffs. "You? No thanks. You couldn't be anybody's knight."

"Oh, you don't think so? I can change," Izaya said, willing to take her up on the bet.

"People don't change," she tells him seriously. "Especially you, who has a strange obsession with humans."

"I like other things besides humans," he adds defensively. "I like cell phones…" Swiftly, he reaches into her bag, pulling her cell phone out. It's plain, silver and old. "For example, I try to make it a hobby of stomping on girls' cell phones."

Before Shizuka can stop him, he's dropped it to the ground and begins laughing maniacally as he's stomping on it repeatedly. Izaya stops, his foot hovering an inch over the remains of her cell phone. "Stomping on girls' cell phones is no longer my hobby!" he tells her smugly.

"You're mental!" Shizuka shrieks at him. Her cell phone is crushed, smashed to bits, and beyond savable. She can't even salvage it for parts like she would a car, if that is even possible. "You… You dumb louse! You... stupid flea!" Her words are failing her and she can't articulate a proper pride-shattering insult. She opts to rip a convenience store trash can from the ground and throw it at him.

Izaya winces as the trash can grazes his arm, but he can't help but to marvel that the simple girl can throw trash cans like she's throwing a football. "Is there anything Shizu-chan doesn't get mad about?" he asks, hoping to provoke her more.

"Shut up, you dick," she snaps, storming over to one of the park benches to rip that out as well.

Fortunately for Izaya, Shinra shrieks all shrilly before she can throw it. "Shizuka-chan, stop it!" he says frantically as his proclaimed girlfriend's dark shadows wrap around her arms and the park bench.

Shizuka gives into Celty, not wanting to fight her, and lose the only female role model in her life. She lets the park bench down, reaches into her bag and lights a smoke. "You owe me a new phone, flea," she tells Izaya, turning and leaving, admitting defeat for the day.

Afterwards, the teasings and violent outbursts still continue. Once again, Shizuka is confused to find another present waiting for her on White's Day. After last year's hair ribbon, she's positive that it's from Izaya again. The whole day in class, she leaves it in her bag, unopened. It is during her lunch break, when she _thinks_ nobody is looking, that she opens it. It's a cell phone charm with white pearls, glass beads and crystal hangings from silver chains. She snorts, thinking that Izaya has a terrible sense of humor, considering he just stomped on her cell phone the other day. Despite that, it's actually cute and Shizuka wonders why Izaya has such good taste in _feminine _accessories.

* * *

_The Third Year_

* * *

The first time he kisses her is at a school Christmas party. She _was_ with Shinra until Izaya decided to join them. Then she's with Dotachin and his friends for the rest of the night. He's kind enough to leave her alone, but he keeps an eye on her all night. When Shizuka is about to leave, Izaya intercepts her at the doorway.

"What do you want, flea?" she demands, trying to step past him.

Izaya smirks, blocking her way effectively, and answers, "It's Christmas."

"So?" she replies, clearly the least bit interested in him. It reminds him of the first time they met when that idiot athlete was trying to hit on her.

He doesn't answer and slowly looks up instead. Confused, she follows his gaze and turns red at the mistletoe dangling above them. "Hell no!" she exclaims, flustered and gives him a hard shove to escape this horror.

"Shizu-chan, you can't just leave unkissed," Izaya drawled, catching her arm and pulling her back to him. He then has her sandwiched between the door frame and himself.

"Tch! Watch me!" she says with attitude, looking anywhere except his face.

"Shizu-chan, mistletoe is supposed to be a peace symbol where warring enemies could kiss and make up. Besides, any girl who doesn't get kissed will be unmarried for the rest of her life!" he tells her, leaning in much too close.

"I'm not superstitious," she tells him flatly.

"Ah, I know why you're hesitant," he remarks. "Could it be that Shizu-chan's never been kissed before?"

"Th-That... That's not true!" she stammers, but it's too late. He already knows. Her voice catches in her throat and her cheeks flush crimson and he knows he's spot-on.

Izaya tilts her chin up so he can look her square in the eyes. She blushes and squeezes her eyes shut, resigning to her fate of getting her first kiss from her archenemy. Izaya looks at her in surprise and realizes that beneath her violent, tomboy nature, Shizuka's still a girl.

A very cute teenage girl who, he realizes, is nervous and scared about getting her first kiss.

The pressure is too much. He chickens out.

Her eyes flutter open in surprise when he kisses her on the cheek and lets her go without another word. They stand there in awkward silence and Shizuka is the first to pull away. She slips away from him to put on her coat, and the whole time, she has her eyes averted down to the floor. Flustered, she nearly jumps when Izaya settles his red scarf over her shoulders. "It's cold out," he tells her.

Shizuka tries to decline, protesting, "Won't you need it?"

Izaya is adamant and heads back into the crowd of students, leaving her alone beneath the mistletoe, clutching his scarf. She doesn't see him the rest of Christmas break, but she overhears Shinra casually mentioning that Izaya's home sick with a cold.

A few days later, Shinra cheerfully invites Shizuka over for fireworks and Ramune. She's hesitant, knowing that Izaya will be there. "Unfortunately not," he tells her, "Izaya is spending New Year's with his sisters." She's relieved so she accepts the invitation. Little did she know, Shinra had also invited Izaya and had fed him the exact same lie that Shizuka was spending New Year's with her brother so that she wouldn't be attending. He winces, knowing that Celty is looking at him disapprovingly.

On the day of, Shizuka arrives at the front of his apartment building at 6:45pm. She shows up fifteen minutes early out of courtesy. Izaya's red scarf is stuffed into her bag, in hopes that Shinra can return it in place of her. Shizuka gets into the elevator and holds it for some guy in a rush. She pays no attention to him, until he says:

"Shizu-chan?"

Startled, she looks up and stammers, "Izaya." He's dressed in all black as usual. It's a new year and he still persists as that evil little black blob. A silence settles over them, and she feels his eyes on her, checking her out. She's in a dark blue sweatshirt dress and he eyes the way the fabric seems to strain against her chest. Quickly, she reaches into her bag and thrusts his scarf at him. "I thought you weren't coming," she says as she does so.

"I could say the same for you," he retorts. "Shinra said you'd be spending New Year's with Kasuka."

"Eh? Shinra said you'd be spending New Year's with your sisters," she answers with a confused look. And then it clicks. "Shinra," she growls, hitting the elevator buttons to let her out onto the next floor. The elevator _dings_ and she storms out, three floors below Shinra and Celty's. Izaya follows her out, peeved that Shinra manipulated him. "Why are you following me?" Shizuka demands.

"I thought you and I could ditch Shinra," he says honestly.

"No, I couldn't possibly do that," she answers.

"Oh, Shizu-chan, loosen up a little. Besides, do you really want to watch Shinra make out with Celty's helmet all night?" She grimaces at the thought and he laughs, "I thought so." Boldly, he takes her wrist into his hand and leads her back into the elevator, hitting the button that will take them back to the first floor.

They stop at the nearest 7-11 to stock up on Ramune and other treats. Izaya buys as many as he can that will fit into Shizuka's bag. She can't help but to giggle as he ends up carrying her girly bag over his shoulder. He shrugs, thinking it suits him. Taking her hand into his own, he takes her down town to Shibuya station and helps her climb up onto the station's rooftop where the best view of the fireworks are.

"What's your New Year's resolution?" she asks him curiously.

Izaya thinks it over a few moments and then says, "This year, I'm going to love humanity even more." She looks at him, confused, but he refuses to elaborate, choosing to ask about her own resolution.

"I don't want to be violent anymore," Shizuka admits. "Are we always going to hate each other, Izaya-san?" she asks quietly, hugging her knees to her chest. "You infuriate me to no end," she tells him. "It's okay that you're manipulative and deceiving, but…"

"But what?" Izaya interrupts. "That's the way I am. You told me once that people don't change. What do you want from me, Shizuka?"

"I want you to stop manipulating and deceiving _me_," she confesses. Izaya stares at her without an answer and suddenly feeling shy, she quickly takes back her words. "Forget that," she says quickly, "People don't change, so don't bother..." She looks away from him again, choosing to focus on the fireworks instead as she thinks to herself that coming here with Izaya was a bad idea. She probably should have just gone to Shinra's small gathering and stayed at Celty's side instead of embarrassing herself in front of Izaya like this. In fact, she's still bothered that he hadn't kissed her properly beneath the mistletoe. Sure, Shizuka had dreaded it, but getting kissed on the cheek seemed so much more humiliating.

"Why didn't you kiss me?" she blurts out before she can think twice. Izaya looks at her, startled by her question. "Is it because you don't like me?"

"No, I like you plenty," he says assuringly.

She doesn't believe him though. "That's a lie. You're the only guy to stubbornly try to get my attention every day since we met. You never give up no matter how many time I turn you down, and all of a sudden, you decide you don't want to kiss me! What is it? Is it because I'm not feminine enough? I know you're a smart guy, so surely you'd know if a girl was playing hard to get. Do you not like me anymore?" she rambles uncontrollably.

Izaya finds her self-consciousness to be endearing. He laughs and wraps an arm around her shoulders to pull her close. "Didn't I already tell you that you're already pretty feminine? And yes, Shizu-chan, I did know you started playing hard to get." The fact that he doesn't reassure his interest in her bothers her greatly and he knows it. He's intentionally stringing her along now.

"So then what is it?" she prods. "Did I do something?"

"You should've worn a kimono," Izaya says, changing the subject completely.

"Eh?" she looks down at her dress and shrugs. "Perhaps next time."

"I'm looking forward to it," he tells her with a wink. When he hears the whole city of Ikebukuro counting down for the New Year, he leans in and kisses her as the grand finale of fireworks explodes over them. Yes, this year was going to be a good one.

For the first time in their Raijin days, Shizuka actually makes him chocolate for Valentine's Day. On White's Day, Izaya returns the favor, gifting her a hair pin, decorated with a white flower and pearls.

* * *

_After High School_

* * *

Now that he's got Shizuka wrapped around his little finger, he's pretty sure she'll do his every bidding. He feels accomplished that he's managed to manipulate her, which now leads to the grand finale of bringing her down. He decides to cheat on her. It's a brilliant plan, really, knowing that Shizuka is so self-conscious about herself that it'll be a blow to her low self-esteem. He grins at the the thought of a heartbroken Shizuka, miserable, broken down and destroyed at the thought of being insufficient for Izaya.

However, Yagiri Namie, an acquaintance of his, has no intention of helping his girlfriend's heart. It's more that she despises his guts, rather than a sexist pro-feminist view. Out of desperation, he tackles her to the ground, putting them into a provocative position, when Shizuka walks in. Instead of breaking down into tears like he had predicted and hoped, she stares at him blankly while her eyebrow twitches as she coldly demands him to explain just what the fuck is going on.

Izaya can't help but to be a little bit offended by her lack of reaction. Trying to provoke her, Izaya throws it into her face a bit harder, going as far as telling her that he's leaving her for Namie. Shizuka snaps and literally throws him out the window, causing Namie to burst into a fit of giggles.

Shizuka trudges after him, ripping the closest trash can from the ground to obliterate him with. Izaya knows her moves too well and dodges it easily. Clenching her fist, she grabs a vending machine and hurls it at him. Izaya barely avoids it and make a run for it. He knows that his trusty flick blade stands no chance against her trash cans and vending machines. He's slightly relieved when she uproots a street sign... until he realizes what she's using it for. She swings like she's playing softball—and she's a mean batter—and the street sign connects with his torso with a sickening crack that sends him flying. Izaya eats pavement and when he rolls onto his back, Shizuka presses her heel onto his chest, keeping him down.

"Was any of it real?" she asks quietly. "Or have you been manipulating me this whole time?"

He sees two blurry Shizukas and thinks he has a concussion. He tries to sit up, but she's got him firmly pinned down. It's almost a turn-on. "We had fun, though, didn't we?" he coughs.

"You lying piece of shit," she spits, "I'm just 'fun' to you? You didn't even care about me, did you? I was just some thrall who kept you entertained. You said you'd stop manipulating and deceiving me."

He so desperately wants to apologize and reassure her that he's just a stupid boy, but he's come too far in his amazing feat. "Shizu-chan, don't you think you're overreacting just a little?"

Wrong move.

He regrets it the moment the words leave his mouth because once again, despite her brutish, monstrous nature, she's still just a hormonal teenage girl. He's obviously left that out in his plannings once he realizes her dangerous mood swings. PMS sure could be a bitch. She ends up stomping on his balls as hard as she can. It's actually quite reminiscent to Izaya stomping on her cell phone a few years ago.

"I'd better not see you again in Ikebukuro," she warns.

"Fucking bitch!" Izaya cusses as he groans and writhes in pure agony.

"It's a shame, you know?" she says, crouching down next to him as he curls up into fetal position. "I though you could really change. This love for humanity you claim to have? It's sick. Humanity will never love you back."

"I'm going to destroy you," he chokes out, seeing stars and feeling the urge to vomit.

"Maybe when you're not rolling around in agonized pain anymore, nursing your damaged pride," she suggests and leaves him there.

Izaya can barely walk for the rest of the week. He limps around in his new office in Shinjuku while his sisters tease him mercilessly and he plots the best way to destroy Heiwajima Shizuka. He chooses to stalk her for a while, trying to come up with the best plan. He watches her get fired from every single job before finally finding a stable job as a bartender. He beloved brother, clearly proud that she has finally gotten her act together, buys her a whole set of bartender uniforms. She wears them appreciatively, swearing that she won't let him down.

So Izaya makes her fail her brother. He frames her for a crime and gets her arrested and when she sees him amidst the police, she screams his name in anger as they handcuff her and shove her into the squad car. It sounds like music to his ears. Later, he watches her leave the police station after getting cleared, and in the end, she's already been fired. There's a large promotional posted of Kasuka outside and she stares at it for a few long moments beneath the rain before wistfully apologizing. As she heads home, Izaya wonders if this huge success of his was actually a mistake.

Still, their teasings and violent outbursts continue. On Valentine's Day, Shizuka throws him into a vending machine. On White's Day, Izaya has her run over by a white truck. Izaya can't help but to think back on Raijin days when everything was so much simpler, and even now, each time he sees her, he wonders if he has made a mistake, and yet, each time he sees her, he makes sure to push her farther away.

Two years later, after the Slasher attacks and the gang wars, Izaya is walking down the street as fireworks are going off, signaling the beginning of a new year. Shinra invites him over for a small gathering, but he declines, knowing that Shizuka will be there. Shinra tries to explain that Shizuka really isn't going to attend, but Izaya refuses to be tricked again. He heads up to Shibuya Station rooftop for the sake of nostalgia and he's suddenly hit with déjà-vu. Shizuka is there, sitting on her coat, drinking Ramune and smoking as she watches the fireworks. She's wearing a white and blue kimono that's fastened informally so that it dips down and shows a bit of cleavage. It's obviously a cheap kimono, but it's still flattering on her figure. Her long blonde hair is pinned up and Izaya recognizes the hair ornament as his White's Day present to her.

Izaya's first instinct is to leave, but he notices that there's two bottles of Ramune with her and he can't help but to wonder if she's waiting for someone. He pauses a moment too long and she looks over her shoulder. Their eyes meet. He stays where he is, frozen, as he watches her pick up the second bottle of Ramune. He's expecting her to throw the glass bottle into his face, but instead, she holds it out towards him, beckoning him to come join her. Izaya hesitantly sits down next to her, accepting the bottle. "Same New Year's resolution?" he asks, popping the marble.

"No, not this year," Shizuka answers. "This year, I'm hoping to get into less fights."

"I'm pretty sure that's the same as being 'less violent.' You should maybe stop smoking those cancer sticks," he tells her and notes that she looks cold from the way she hugs her knees to her chest. He scooches over and shares his scarf with her. "I'm hoping to fix some mistakes I made in the past," he confesses to her.

Shizuka snorts. "I don't believe you," she tells him bluntly as she blows a puff of smoke into his face. "You're never going to change."

"You had hope for me once," he reiterates simply.

"Yes, and I've learned my lesson," she says bitterly, starting to withdraw from him.

"Oh, Shizu-chan, don't be like that," he drawls, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pulling her close. "Surely you can have hope for me once more. That could be your New Year's Resolution. How about it?"

"I'll think it about it," she murmurs, resting her head on his shoulder.

Izaya plucks the cigarette from her fingers, takes a deep drag, and then puts it out. When he hears the whole city of Ikebukuro counting down for the New Year, he leans in and kisses her as the grand finale of fireworks explodes over them. Yes, this year was going to be a good one.


End file.
